This past Sunday night, I was in a hurry and opened my car door right into the side of my face. It was a hard, head-on collision which resulted in a concussion. The days since then have been some of the hardest of my life. Speaking is frustratingly hard for me so I thought I’d try to type. There is a strong possibility that all that I’m about to type is incoherent but it seems like it will feel good to be able to communicate, even if its jumbled.
I had no idea how scary and difficult concussions are. Since hitting my head, my world has been covered in a gray haze that will not lift. The simplest tasks are so hard for me. I am weak and tired. I couldn’t even scoop peanut butter out of the jar to make a sandwich for my child. I’m trying so hard to talk and interact with others but it literally hurts my head. When someone asks me the simplest question, it feels like they just asked me to do calculus and I’m instantly frustrated and sad. It feels like everyone talks around me like I’m not in the room, even though I am. Noises, light, and smells are highly exaggerated. I can’t remember things very well. I know I’ve asked my husband several times a day, “what day is it” but I just can’t remember the answer. That is the worst part of all of it – knowing that you are not right but not being able to do anything about it. I’m feeling very scared of everything. I’m scared to talk to people because I know it’s slow and I fear they may become impatient. I’m scared that I’m doing embarrassing things without knowing it. I’m scared that I’m scaring my kids. But most of all, I’m scared that I’ll never be the same. I remember what it felt like to be me just a few days ago. I used to think very clearly and decisively. I loved reading my Bible but now it hurts my head to focus my eyes so I can’t read. I loved caring for others but now everyone is caring for me.
In my head, I keep asking God, “where are you?” not because I think He’s left but I miss Him. The drastic change from a life so steeped in Him to a life that cannot read His word, cannot listen to music without irritation, cannot be with His people is devastating. Thankfully, I am benefitting now from hours spent in His word before this injury. I can remember verses I memorized and they are like balm to my soul. I really love it when my husband prays. It feels so comforting, like coming home. I’m definitely looking forward to treasuring the ability to read His word and sing again someday. I also am looking forward to seeing what God’s good purpose is in this. I trust that there is one because He is good. I trust that I’ll be changed in much needed ways and that maybe those around me will somehow draw closer to Him too. In the mean time, will you pray that I will make a full recovery? Maybe I’ll even come out of this as a way better person than before. And please know that I love all of you, even if I can’t show you right now.