Light

Today is my 4 month anniversary of hitting my head.  I know it seems like a weird anniversary to celebrate, but to me, it feels like something that I never want to forget.  4 months ago, I had absolutely no idea that my life would take such an unexpectedly crazy turn… but God knew from the beginning of time.  I am thankful to say that I am finally feeling pretty much back to normal.  Last week, as I was putting our son, Drew, to bed, he said, “Mom, you finally have your personality back.”  My husband echoed those words yesterday, noticing that it felt like he had me back again.  I cannot even tell you how sweet those words are to my ears.  There were many moments over the past 124 days when I feared I would stay a shell of myself forever.  I am truly beyond grateful to God for his healing.

I say that I’m “pretty much” back to normal because I don’t think I’ll really ever be the same as I was pre-concussion.  After I hit my head, it was as if the lights went off in my life.  It felt like sitting in a theatre after a grand show when suddenly all the people are gone, the music stops, the lights go off, and you are left alone in a pitch black, silent, unfamiliar place.  In that darkness and silence, your eyes can discern the dimmest light and your ears begin to hear the tiniest of sounds.  God had my attention in a way that absolutely could not have happened without the darkness.   And He filled my soul with a light that I would not have known without the darkness.  IMG_0638

 

God once again reminded me that He is the meticulous caretaker of my soul. There is no trial or hardship that touches me that has not first been sifted through His loving hands.  The physical health of my body is of some value but the health of my soul is of utmost importance.  And if trial brings a healthier soul, my God will lovingly send it my way.  “For physical training is of some value but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:8) How I thank God for training me for this life AND for the life to come through His sovereign care and plan.  For those of you going through hardship (and I know there are many, and many with trials much worse than mine),  dare to see this hardship as an arrow of love from our Lord.  Dare to trust Him as your meticulous Soul Gardener.  Let the warmth of His light draw your face and your heart upward, looking beyond this life and into the life to come.  I really believe that when we get there, all of this will make sense and we will want nothing else but to fall at His feet in worship.  But for now, when you’re alone in silence and darkness…perk up your ears, search for the Light – you are never alone.  Our Jesus is right there beside you.

 

Bedtime Conversations

Bedtime at our house can be either the grumpiest or the sweetest time of our day. We are all usually exhausted and my parent time sheet feels expired, but sometimes, even with all that, a little magic happens. There is just something about being together with your little one, almost nose to nose, and hearing their soul spill out. Tonight was one of those nights and I had to write about it before it’s a lost memory.  I’m going to do my best to keep it as word for word as I can remember! (And both of these conversations happened one-on-one.)

 

Drew: Mom, I wish there was no sin and no stomach bugs in this world.

Me: Me too buddy.

Drew: In heaven, there won’t be any of that.  It’s all here because of you know who, (makes a stinky face) Adam and Eve…but not really them, actually the snake.  Mom, why didn’t God give them a second chance?

Me: Well He did.  God said that they could eat of any tree of all the millions of trees in their garden but if they ate of the one tree, they would die. What happened when they ate the fruit from the one tree? Did they die?

Drew: No.

Me: No, God showed them grace.  He let them live.  They didn’t get to live in the garden any more but they did not die.  God gave them a second chance.

Drew: God is the nicest guy ever….(pensive look)…how did He get created?

Me: That’s a great question!  He wasn’t created.  He is uncreated because He is the Creator.  He has just always been there.

Drew: My mind can’t even get that.

Me: (laughing) Well, I can tell you it doesn’t get any easier to understand when you’re a grown-up.  My mind can’t get it either!

Drew: But in heaven we’ll get it.

Me: Yes we will.

 

Sleeping superheroes

Sleeping superheroes

 

Caleb: When am I going to die?

Me:  (with slight panic) I don’t know bud….what’s on your mind?

Caleb: I just really want to go to heaven.  Don’t you?

Me: Yes!  What makes you want to go to heaven?

Caleb: I just really want to see what God looks like.  I’ve never seen Him before.

Me:  I’ve never seen Him before either but..,

Caleb (interrupts): I’ve heard Him.

Me: Yes, we can hear Him and we can see what He does.

Caleb: Like what?

Me: Like heal our boo-boos, and give us food and change us into more loving people.

Caleb: And plant trees.

Me: Yep.

Caleb: I just wiped a booger on your shirt.

Me: (Gags, giggles, tickles…)

 

I write this to remind myself (and anyone else who needs to hear it) that in spite of all my shortcomings and struggles as a parent, God is at work in our home.  He is present because He is faithful.  He alone knows how our kids will “turn out” and I trust HIM for that.  Rest easy my friends.  He is with us.