I am so happy to share today that I am really getting better! This past weekend, we saw a bit of a turning point in my memory, energy, and ability to tolerate noise and light. I’d say I’m up to about 70% of normal now and that feels great. This has been such a strange experience. Maybe because it was so unexpected, maybe because I was so ignorant about brain injury, I don’t know but I think it will take me a while to keep processing.
I am able to tolerate short spurts of reading now (Hallelujah!) and a few days ago, I was reading back through my devotional journal. I’ve been studying the book of Colossians and this was right at the beginning of my study, from September 1st. I copied the following verse…
“We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints, because of the hope laid up for you in heaven.” Colossians 1:3
Then I wrote, “Lord, how I would love to be known like this…having great faith in Jesus, love for the saints, and hope of heaven as a motivating factor. Lord, is my faith too safe? Am I showing my kids extravagant love or just love+busyness? I don’t want faith to seem boring to them. Help me with this Lord. In my daily routine and life, will You help me display great faith, hope, and love?
Reading this over a month later, knowing all that this month has held, my prayers came alive to me in a different way. The answers to my questions are clear. Yes, my faith is too safe. No, I am not showing my kids extravagant love. Yes, I am showing them lots of love + lots of busyness. Yes, our schedule is way too crazy.
I don’t want to over-spiritualize this whole experience, but I really do want to learn from it. And I think that God totally chose this to interrupt our lives to make us ask some hard questions and re-evaluate some things. I feel like my spiritual toes are on the edge of the cliff and I’m excited to see where God leads next.
Thank you to all of you who have commented, texted, emailed, brought food, and prayed for us. Every time we go through a difficult time, I learn so much about how to help others by the help we receive. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’ll post updates here as much as I can for 2 main reasons…
1. It is the easiest and best way for me to communicate right now. Please don’t take it personally if you have texted, called, or emailed and not heard back from me. I just don’t have the stamina to answer many things. Please know that your messages are encouraging me greatly. Some times they are what gets me through the harder moments.
2. I want to raise awareness about brain injury. Prior to this experience, I literally had zero idea what a brain injury was like. I viewed concussions as a more common place, less serious injury and boy, was I wrong! I feel terrible now for being so ignorant but I just didn’t know any better. Perhaps I can help others by journaling through this experience as best as I can. One of you already said that this has helped you understand a family member going through brain injury right now and that is wonderful to hear.
As I wrote in my previous post, this has been a crazy and scary experience. I think part of me is still surprised this is happening since I was perfectly healthy just a few days ago. Every day is up and down. Yesterday was a good day. I got up and sat on the couch a little, and even cut out some fabric for a later sewing project. Today has been a rough day. I’m so dizzy that I haven’t been out of bed for more than a few minutes. Days like yesterday encourage me on days like today. It’s hard not to think that these days are just such a waste. I feel like I contribute nothing to everything and that is where my faith struggles. I wonder what the purpose of all this is…for me, for my family, for all the people who are handling my responsibilities for me. Its just hard to wrap my broken brain around.
At the same time, I do feel like I’m learning a lot already. Here are 2 lessons thus far…
1. Never hesitate to minister and spread love to someone. Prior to this experience, I have often hesitated to help someone for many different reasons. Maybe I had in my head that I wanted to cook them a really nice meal, but money or time just didn’t allow, so I end up doing nothing. Maybe I wanted to send a super cute card but never made it to the store, so I do nothing. Ugh! I’m mad at myself for that now! I have been so blessed over the past week by simple texts of Bible verses or encouraging emails. When I’m all better, I want to lower my own personal standards of having to cook an extravagant meal, etc. and just love on folks. Thanks to so many of you for teaching me that.
2.Prepare for the dark while you are in the light. We all go through dark seasons of life. This particular one for me is not the first, nor will it be the last. I can’t tell you how often in my day I rely on God’s truth that is already stuck in my memory. I am not having much new spiritual input since listening to music and reading are still very challenging for me. I recall many mornings prior to this accident that I woke up early and felt so tired that I wondered if my time spent in the Word was worth it. Now I know the answer. It was so worth it. I am leaning on all those hours spent in study now. Dark times have a way of clarifying who you really are spiritually. I look forward to the time when my brain is healthy enough to study God’s word with tenacity. In my next dark time, I want to be proved stronger than I am now.
Thank you Lord for being made strong in weakness. May You be on display in ways I could never dream right now. Thank you for never leaving me or any of your children. I love you. Amen